at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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