I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
