everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
