I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
