Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
