hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
