He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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