so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
