either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
