this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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