Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
