Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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