My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
