Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
