He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
