Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
