I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
tell me about the eggs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
