So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize