What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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