We named our party play list daddy issues
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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