I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
