I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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