This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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