There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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