OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
