It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize