the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
