My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
