Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
