just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize