i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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