saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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