I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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