I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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