Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
