I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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