I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
