it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
