You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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