4 words: hood of his car
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
