Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
