I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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