just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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