My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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