in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
