Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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