I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
