what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
