Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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