advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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