Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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