i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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