Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
pray to the hookup gods
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
