You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
