the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
