I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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