I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish my penis had an off switch
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
